“As soon as I feel connected or attracted to a man I become cool – because I’m scared of showing vulnerability.”

That sentence was part of an email sent by a friend who was coming up against a major block that many professional women experience, who are having dating and relationship difficulties. And it’s not just professional women, its women in general.

“I hate the feeling it gives me when I speak to him respectfully. It’s kind of vulnerable – and I hate it!”

So why is that – like so many women – you hate feeling vulnerable with the men you love, like or are attracted to? Well, it’s really very simple: you’re afraid of being controlled – and, ultimately, afraid of being hurt.

Women today are being taught by their mothers, and by society, to not be controlled – and they have done this by going into their masculine (yang) energy.

Women have chosen to become competitive and controlling to break through stereotyped career roles and succeed in becoming independent and work in full time jobs.

But being in your yang energy is great at the office but not when you’re with the man you love or are attracted too.

Why?

Tip: Being vulnerable with a man is a practice and a commitment. The only way you can desensitize yourself from your fear of being vulnerable is to practice it; practice sharing you true feelings.
Because men love the sensual, softness of a woman – and it’s not just physical.

A man loves being with a woman who knows how to be feminine. And femininity or being feminine does not mean being submissive or being someone’s doormat.

Femininity is receptivity, patience and vulnerability. It’s a softer energy when compared to the competing, conquering and controlling yang masculine energy normally embodied by men.

A woman who is in touch with her feminine energy is guided by her feelings. When she learns to listen to her feelings and communicates them to her man in a rational way, he’s more likely to do what he can to help her feel comfortable.

Are you ignoring your feelings?

As a woman you might find that you ignore many of your feelings when you’re talking to a man. You don’t share what is going on for you in a truthful way for several reasons:

• You’re afraid that if he sees the “real” you he won’t want to be with you.

• You might be confusing vulnerability with neediness and insecurity, and you don’t want to appear needy or clingy.
• You’re scared of being taking advantage of (used and abused) and the only way you know how to protect yourself and not get hurt is to become yang and aggressive.
• You believe that being vulnerable is weakness and you don’t want to appear weak. You take pride in being ‘strong’.
• You don’t know how to use the right language to express yourself in a yin way: in a clear, rational and non-confronting way that he’ll hear.

Tip: Don’t defend or explain your feelings or attempt to process them with him. Simply share how you feel in a statement. Tell him what you don’t feel comfortable or good about. And make sure you balance this with appreciating and acknowledging the things that do feel good when you’re with him. That’s another way of being vulnerable.
When you listen to your feelings and communicate them in a clear way to the man you’re dating or in a relationship with, you take a risk to be authentic and vulnerable with him. And this is very attractive and appealing. It evokes in him the urge to protect and help his woman.

Being vulnerable is not getting drunk and pouring your feelings out over dinner!

Nor is it just saying what you feel when and where you “feel like it”. That’s just going to switch him off or worse still, turn him off.

Being vulnerable with a man only really works if it’s done with integrity and honesty and at a time that he’s ready to hear you. A man will soon know if you’re being manipulative and dishonest about your feelings or if you’re telling white lies and giving false information.

If you’re honest and you take the risk to be vulnerable with a man, he knows that he can trust you to let him know how he can best help and care for you.

And if he doesn’t do what he can to help make you comfortable then this is valuable information for you.

Until next time… Be open to Love.