You’ve had the blow wave, your nails are done and you’re wearing that cheeky figure-hugging dress you bought. It’s been a wonderful first date – fun, entertaining, interesting and sexually electric between you.

He gets the bill and you grab your handbag to go to the powder room.

Just as you’re about to stand up he says “Your half of the bill is …” and as the sexual charge drains into the floor, your smile threatens to break into a grimace. You put your share on the table and head to the loo…

Some men don’t know what to expect now as some women prefer to pay for their half of the bill. He must have assumed, that you reaching for your handbag means “we’re going dutch”.

When women move back into the dating pool they often ask “Do I let him pay for the date”? And the answer to this was a lot more straightforward before the sexual revolution and women’s lib.

It was standard and expected that the man would pay. But fast forward 50 years and the answer is … well … confusing!!

Women’s lib has redefined gender roles for both men and women. Women can now carve out a significant career for themselves and men can stay home and bring up the kids.

Women no longer need to wait to be asked out on a date; they are now free to ask men. And men don’t always have to pick up the tab to gain copulation rights.

Many women now fight to pay their own way and are insulted when a man wants to pay.

Likewise, men are now starting to resent the fact that they are expected to pay. Men don’t like to be meal tickets any more than women like to be seminal receptacles.

Men appreciate it when a woman offers to contribute and doesn’t expect or assume that he’ll pay. This way you give the man the opportunity to be a gentleman, rather than expecting him to be one.

But as I said, it’s not so clear cut, as men don’t always want to pay.

When dating a successful and confident woman, some men are confused about who pays, for fear of offending or undermining her independence and status.

However it’s far less confusing for men when dating a more gentle (less dominant) woman. Men find women who are less career orientated, competitive and aggressive tend to bring out the naturally protective male instincts due to the clear difference in the “equality question”. The question of who pays in this case is clear: Men generally say he wants to pay, especially when he’s interested in her romantically and she’s not competing with him for status and dominance.

Working all day on an equal basis with professional women programs many men to treat all professional women as equals.

But this spells disaster in the dating realm, as some women don’t want to compete with a man, or strive to be his equal.

These women feel confused and are turned off when dating a man who assumes or even offers to go dutch.

It seems to me that some women and men are confusing the feminist ideals of equality with equity in the dating or courtship dance.

This is like both of you taking the lead during a salsa or both of you playing at the net in a doubles tennis match ~ it doesn’t work.

You both know that either of you can lead or play net (that’s right; that’s equality)… but one of you chooses to be the follower for the sake of the dance or play net for the sake of the match (that equity).

You’re both equally important in the dance or the tennis match but you’re choosing to play different roles. And that’s what dating and courtship is all about.

So what’s the best way to handle the “who pays for a date” dilemma?

Here’s my rule of thumb – and it’s just for dating and courtship (relationships are another matter).

Whoever asks for the date is the yang energy (this can be a male or a female) and they pay for the date.

This means it’s really important that you decide before you start dating if you want to be the feminine (yin) energy or the masculine (yang) energy in the dating process.

If you decide to be the feminine yin energy in the dating process then please don’t ask your man out; let him ask you.

If you decided that you’re masculine yang energy then it’s fine to ask your man out, pick the restaurant and time, and for you pick up the tab – basically it’s fine for you to take the lead.

Here are some other options …

A date is a courtship manoeuvre where one person is pursuing the other. It’s not two people coming to meet in the middle of the table or bed.

If you insist on equality in splitting the bill on the first date you run the risk of creating a hook-up rather than a courtship. And that’s fine if that’s what you’re looking for.

Hooking up is two single people – your place or my place and splitting the bill, is typical of hooking up and equality in romance.

If you do decide to pay or split the bill and you end up sleeping with the man it’s very common for the woman to feel resentful with this deal after 90 days. You will start to hate being treated as an equal.

So please think equity and not equality when it comes to romance.

Until next time . . . Be open to Love.