I often get asked by women who have just broken up

“Can I be friends with my ex?”

And I always tell them this ~

“Lovers can’t be friends until they’re lovers with other people.”

And the reason that I tell them this is very simple: biology – more specifically chemistry, sexual chemistry.

The 30 inch danger zone

Chemistry is a body phenomenon. It’s a pheromone exchange between two human beings who are probably within 30 inches (or 76.2 cm) of each other. And chemistry can do crazy things to us. It can bond us to someone who is totally incompatible.

Have you ever heard someone say that they’ve met the most perfect, handsome, educated, wonderful man. And when you meet him you wonder if you’ve met the wrong person because you’re shaking hands with an Orc. You’re turned off because you have no chemistry for him – or rather his pheromones don’t turn you on.

And I bet you’ve experienced the ex that you break up with but keep having sex with. It takes you ages, sometimes many on-again-off-again years before you can finally get him (or her) out of your system and move on.

It takes at least 8 weeks to move on biologically

Actually it takes a minimum of 8 weeks (and up to 2 years) to get him out of your system biologically (which can seem like an eternity) and that’s only if you haven’t been within 30 inches (or 76.2 cm) of him for the whole 8 weeks!

During this time the absolutely worst thing you can do is to smell him. Yep that’s right. And we have a pre-olfactory cranial nerve (the so-called “Nerve zero”) to thank for this, as it’s the one that might connect our sense of smell to sex. Mmmm… that’s right. Remember how good he smelled? Don’t smell him!!!

The human senses of smell is weak compared to most animals. They use smell to determine everything from sex, to social rank, to territories, to reproductive status and mates and offspring. But smell still plays a huge part in our sexual encounters, thanks to pheromones.

Most people know that pheromones can increase specific sociosexual behaviors in both men and women; that’s not news. But what you might not know is that you can only be affected by pheromones if you’re close to the person. Pheromones are not like the small molecules of other smells that can waft over a distance. They are a large molecules that are best passed to your nose by intimate contact such as kissing, hugging and all the other great activities that go with sex.

Now, chances are that you had good chemistry with your ex – you were attracted to him in the first place, right? So every time you get in within 30 inches of you him you’re going to get a whiff of his pheromones and you’ll be attracted, interested and probably aroused. And if he gives you an orgasm, with its oxytocin hit, you’ll get hooked all over again.

Even though our mate selection and reproduction tends to be a lot more complex than just smell alone it’s important that you don’t underestimate its effect on your body in bonding you to your ex. That’s why you hang on to his old used T shirt – you can smell him!

So if you’re breaking up with him – and most especially if you’ve been dumped – don’t get within hugging or kissing distance of him for 8 weeks, or longer if you can help it.

What if he emails, calls or texts you?

If he contacts you I suggest you answer him – as long as you tell the truth, which is:

“I cannot be physically with you – I love you too much and I don’t want to do that to myself.”

Put your hand on your heart and make this vow:

“I promise on my heart that if I get dumped I am not going to try and be friends with him until I have a new lover.”

Lovers can’t be friends until they’re lovers with other people.

Until next time … Be open to love.